What's It All Mean, Anyway?

I've been thinking about life a lot recently. Too much.

My mother miscarried twin boys before I came into this world. It came up in a conversation with her one day, and I said, "I wonder how different my life would be if I had two older brothers." She looked over at me, half-smiling and replied, "You wouldn't be here."

Hmm. Never having had a chance at life? That kind of made me sad. It's not like I would've been born into a different family, as I am a creation of my parents' genetics. I just simply would not be here at all. My friends would never have known me. Someone else would be sitting in my chair, doing my job right now. I'd have never known love, sadness, anger, sympathy. My personality, sense of humor, collection of memories...would have never existed.

When I thought about all of those things, it made me feel very grateful to be here. To be me. I like who I've become, and I like the life I've created for myself. Things definitely aren't perfect in this world. There is a lot of pain & illness, war & poverty, losing family & loved ones. BUT...certainly on the other side, the grass just might be greener.

I get my cynicism from my dad. He seems to think that everyone is out to get everyone else. The government is only around to screw everyone out of having a happy life. The population of thieves and murderers is out of control and soon they are going to kill everyone and take over the world. These ignorant medical professionals are really only using patients as experiments in order to take their money. Naturally, living with that attitude for many years made an impression on me early on, not to mention what it did to my mother.

I still carry a lot of those traits with me, but thanks to my close friends, I've learned not to dwell completely on what is wrong with the world and to start finding things that are right. I feel as though I have many purposes in this life, but what may quite possibly be the most important reason is this: Enjoy it.

There are definitely a number of things happening right now that have really become a heavy burden for me. It's been so easy for me to just slip into a depression and shut the rest of the world away. It would take weeks or even months for me to pull myself out of it. But this time, for some reason, things are going a bit differently.

I had forgotten how much I love Autumn. I enjoyed this past summer and the warm weather so much that I was sad to see it leave. But lately, I've spent a lot of time outside and have really taken notice to the beautiful leaves and all the things that go along with fall: pumpkins sitting outside, wearing warm sweaters, drinking apple cider, etc. etc. I could go on and on. My point is, noticing small things like that have really brightened my days. It really made me feel grateful that I get to be here to see those things and to be inspired by them.


"Every moment is an experience."
-J. Roberts